traffic and catching up on your classics

I used to hate traffic. All that obnoxious horn blowing, fist shaking, name calling and fender bumping. Then one morning, while fuming in a frozen pack of steel, it hit me: it’s a waste of time to hate traffic in Bucharest. You might as well move to an Arabic country and hate polygamists. Traffic in Bucharest is, literally, not going anywhere.

Moving out isn’t an option, though. There’s too much great stuff here: the idyllic climate, the tomatoes that taste like actual tomatoes, the cheap pretzels at every corner. So I recommend you do as I did: learn to make the best out of traffic. It’s quite easy. First, stop believing the traffic myth – that people hate traffic because it keeps them from getting places quickly.

I assure you, this is not the reason people hate traffic. Consider: when is traffic at its worst? At morning rush hour. And where is morning rush hour taking you? To work. Now, can you honestly tell me that you hate traffic because it keeps you from that pile of papers on your desk? Of course not. Why, for this reason alone, traffic is your best friend. Take this simple test: walk into work late one morning and tell your boss, „Sorry, but I got completely absorbed watching the re-run of CSI New York and lost all track of time.” Five-to-one says you get a pink slip. Now, at your new job, try this: arrive an hour behind schedule and say simply, „Sorry I’m late. Traffic.” Not only will your boss accept this excuse without a blink, I bet you’ll even get a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

The real reason people hate traffic is this: it’s a race. It’s not the 10 mph crawl that sends your blood pressure soaring. It’s the sight of that little blue Honda slipping past you into the distance. „I knew late two was the hot lane today!” you mumble. „I should have cut off that busload of kids when I had the chance!” Morning gridlock is nothing more than the grown-up version of Chutes and Ladders. And being the eternally competitive Bucharestians that we are, it drives us absolutely postal to think that someone might be maneuvering their two-ton game piece better that we are. Conversely, who among us doesn’t feel a sweet surge of satisfaction when that annoying Audi running alongside gets stuck as our lane sails ahead?

Once you accept that traffic is a game, it’s easier to stop worrying about how to win. Then you can concentrate on wringing the most from your unavoidable traffic hours. Here are a few time killers that might work:

·         Reading between the lines. Try books on tape. It’s a great way to catch up on Tolstoy, Melville – all the classics. Choosing the right audio book is vitally important. Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer might seem like an okay idea for the first few miles or so, but there’s always the risk of growing so engulfed in the story that you smack into the bumper of the car ahead. Also, don’t choose a book that is really interesting or with major hook-potential. You might end up parked somewhere, with side one over and all the traffic gone.

·         Tote cuisine. Eating in the car is underrated. I’m not talking about wolfing down an Egg McMuffin while balancing an orange juice and a double soy latte on your knees. With Bucharest’s glacial traffic, there’s plenty of time to enjoy a four-star dining experience behind the wheel. If you find yourself on your way back to the office from a noontime appointment, don’t let your stomach churn at being stuck in such gridlock. Enjoy your well-deserved five-course lunch. Commence with a lovely consommé, taking care not to let the bowl tip. Move on to the salad, which will be so savory you won’t even mind when an overzealous stab of the brakes sends a chunk of goat cheese tumbling down the air vent. Then comes the garlic and rosemary chicken, which will be a tad difficult to slice, but overall just delicious. All this time, you’ll hardly even notice the traffic. In fact, after a leisurely dessert and coffee, you’ll almost find yourself irritated when things begin to speed up. You’ll be at the office in no time, ready to take a nap.

·         Wait lifting. Your car is a great place to work out. If you don’t believe me, go to the beach sometime and notice all the people with „clutch calf” – a highly enlarged left leg muscle that develops from years of using a manual transmission in Bucharest. A good hour of gridlock can be nearly as healthful as a personal-training session at the gym. You can practice deep breathing exercises. Bring along some hand weights and tilt your power-reclining seat, and you can perform a full bench-press routine (if you have a sunroof, you can even do squats). And the cockpit of an automobile is perhaps the only place where one can use a ThighMaster without fear of being seen. (Bonus: In case of a serious accident, a ThighMaster doubles as a highly effective Jaws of Life.)

·         Tranquility base. Finally, try this: Turn off the radio. Unplug the cell phone. Roll up the windows and click on the air-conditioning. Hear that? It’s the sound of yourself thinking – something we who live in this perpetually frenetic city don’t get to hear often enough.